Spurious Returns - Humor

Tom Page opines that:

"Aircraft maintenance techs must be a lot like radar maintenance techs ...."

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.


(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.

(S) #2 propeller seepage normal - #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.

(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.

(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.

(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

(S) That`s what they are there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles FUNNY.

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.

(P) Target radar hums.

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

GI Insurance:

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn`t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones`s sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don`t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Free Delivery:

I was a Combat Crewmember with the 44th Missile Wing at Ellsworth AFB in South Dakota. The blast door leading into one of the underground launch control centers (LCCs) did have the graphic. It was a MMII with large dominos on each side, with colors of the fast pizza delivery chain that inspired the `artists`.
Minuteman 2 door photo2.jpg

We had a blast door at another site showing Wile Coyote in the foreground, a mushroom cloud in the distance, and the words, " Beep beep my ...".

Another site had a fine example of WWII `cheesecake nose art` . We used to pat her for luck when we arrived on alert.

Hope you find this useful, or at least entertaining. Keep up the good work.

Leon `Lee` Lipinski

Capt, USAF (Ret)


Military - Then & Now

1945 - NCO`s had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.

1999 - everyone has an Internet access computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.

1945 - we painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home.

1999 - they put the real thing in the cockpit.

1945 - if you got drunk off duty your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.

1999 - if you get drunk they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.

1945 - you were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.

1999 - you spray 500 bullets into the brush, don`t hit anything, and retreat because you`re out of ammo.

1945 - canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.

1999 - canteens are made of plastic, you can`t heat anything in them, and they always taste like plastic.

1945 - officers were professional soldiers first and they commanded respect.

1999 - officers are politicians first and beg not to be given a wedgie.

1945 - they collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.

1999 - they collect your pee and analyze it.

1945 - if you didn`t act right, the sergeant major put you in the stockade until you straightened up.

1999 - if you don`t act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

1945 - medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.

1999 - medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters.

1945 - you slept in barracks like a soldier.

1999 - you sleep in a dormitory like a college kid.

1945 - you ate in a mess hall, which was free, and you could have all the food you wanted.

1999 - you eat in a dining facility, every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you better not take too much.

1945 - we defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan.

1999 - we come up short against Iraq and Yugoslavia.

1945 - if you wanted to relax, you went to the rec center, played pool, smoked and drank beer.

1999 - you go to the community center, and you can play pool.

1945 - if you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officers` Club.

1999 - the beer will cost you $2.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.

1945 - the Exchange had bargains for soldiers who didn`t make much money.

1999 - you can get better and cheaper merchandise at Wal-Mart.

1945 - we could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.

1999 - we are wearing the Nazi helmets.

1945 - we called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn`t like them.

1999 - we call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don`t want to offend them.

1945 - victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things were broken.

1999 - victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry. 1945 - a commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people. 1999 - a commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

1945 - wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.

1999 - wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.

1945 - we were fighting for freedom, and the country was committed to winning.

1999 - we don`t know what we`re fighting for, and the government is committed to social programs.

1945 - all you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again

1999 - all you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

Old Movie Poster

Found at Daddy-O`s Drive In Dirt

NPR Interview

This is an exact recount of US National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.


"So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"


`We`re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."


"Shooting! That`s a bit irresponsible, isn`t it?"


"I don`t see why, they`ll be properly supervised on the rifle range."


"Don`t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"


"I don`t see how, ...we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."


"But you`re equipping them to become violent killers."


"Well, you`re equipped to be a prostitute, but you`re not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

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ATC Funnies

[Air Traffic Controllers are to civil aviation what our Air Weapons Controllers were to military interceptor aircraft - very closely related. In fact, more than a few of the military operations guys went to work for FAA as ATC-types after their military service.]

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airlines and control towers from around the world:


The controller, working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"


A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.

San Jose Tower: "American 51 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.


Unknown Aircraft: "I`m f***ing bored!".

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"

Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." (124.7 would be the radio frequency for Departure Control).

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... By the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff. Roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we`ve already notified our caterers."


O`Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o`clock, 3 miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I`ve always wanted to say this... I`ve got that Fokker in my sights."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short- tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one`s gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten Morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment Ground, I`m looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes I have, Ground - in 1944. In another type of Boeing....I didn`t stop."

How To Build an FPS-26